Hall of 5 Word Movie Commentaries

Tried of thumbing through lengthy review after lengthy review just to realize that movie just isn't worth watching? No more! Here at Lord Tony's Hall of 5 Word Movie Commentaries about 2 seconds is all you need to decide if your film deserves to watching. Yes, I am well aware of the ever popular "3 word movie reviews." One quick look on google proved that someone had even beaten me to "4 word movie reviews," so I just added one more to the mix and pretended like nothing had ever happened. Originally these were supposed to be reviews and the LTS forums failed me. Instead of starting over and gathering actual reviews, I just changed the title to "Commentaries." Problem solved. Enough yammering though, the last thing I want in the Hall of 5 Word Movie Commentaries is wordiness.

The Movies

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2001, a Space Odyssey

I have a question: What?

300

Three hundred reasons to exercise.

5th Element

Die Hard with more aliens.

Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls

Great movie or greatest movie?

Aeon Flux

Please God, make it stop.

Anaconda

Don't expect too much plot.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

My poor, poor brain cells.

Ben Hur

Jesus is in this movie?

Batman Begins

Ra's al Ghul's not immortal?

Big Trouble in Little China

Best film of the Eightys.

Bruce Almighty

God is a black guy.

Butterfly Effect

Mental disorder equals time travel.

Cold Mountain

Made for Academy Awards. Fails.

Crank

Jason Statham is action incarnate.

Dark Knight

Batman's not wearing hockey pads.

Disaster Movie

They should have stopped writing.

Die Hard

How to solve hostage situation.

Dragonball Evolution

Goku gets resurrected by Kamehamehah.

Edward Scissorhands

Suburbia isn't really that bad.

Eight Legged Freaks

Big spiders kill many people.

Escape from New York

Snake Plisken fixes New York.

Escape from L.A.

Snake Plisken fixes Los Angeles.

Fight Club

Do not talk about it.

Fist of the North Star

Fist of the North Star.

Full Metal Jacket

Funny, but too much cussing.

Ghandi

This movie is about Ghandi.

Hackers

Angelina Jolie's boobs found here.

Happening, The

Watch the 6th Sense instead.

Highlander

First dude friggin' back-flips everywhere.

Hostel

Sex, violence; in that order.

Hot Fuzz

Shaun of Dead minus zombies.

I Am Legend

I WAS SAVING THAT BACON!!!

Independence Day

Aliens shoop some American whoop.

Iron Man

With a box of caves!

Jacket, The

I think he's a pedophile.

Knowing, The

Alien Angels shoop da woop.

Lady in the Water

The last acceptable Shyamalan movie.

Lion King, The

"Circle of Life song" movie.

Lord of the Rings

Epic stuff happens a lot.

Lucky # Slevin

Freeman and Jew get owned.

Matrix

Much better than the others.

Matrix Revolutions

Much worse than the others.

Memento

Memory loss sure sucks hard.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Too many people quote this.

Mortal Kombat

Perfect early teen fight movie.

Mortal Kombat Annihilation

Impressed they spelled "annihilation" correctly.

Mystery Men

Stiller is the worst part.

Nacho Libre

Napoleon Dynamite with fewer fans.

Napoleon Dynamite

Humor improves while on drugs.

Nightmare Before Christmas, The

This movie made Hot Topic.

No Country for Old Men

Moral: Don't meet Anton Chigure.

Number 23, The

Jim Carey without a shirt.

Like Highlander with Jet Lis.

Three hundred reasons to exercise.

Passion of the Christ

How is this considered anti-Semitic?

Pulp Fiction

Tarantino thinks highly of himself.

Pride and Prejudice

Dental surgery in movie form.

Predator

I would vote for Arnold.

Quarantine

Trapped in apartment with zombies.

Requiem for a Dream:

I will never use drugs.

Road Trip

Stop giving Tom Green attention.

Saving Silverman

A bulletproof plan; gone wrong.

Se7en

How do I pronounce this?

Schindler's List

Liam Neeson saves some Jews.

School of Rock

Much worse than you remember.

Shaun of the dead

Epic Lolz and the undead.

Slumdog Millionaire

Title pretty much says it.

Step Brothers

Will Ferrell's testicles on drums.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Glad I Didn't See it.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Johnny Depp scares me greatly.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Wanted to order a pizza.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

The Secret of the Ooze: Ate the pizza I ordered.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Turtles in time: Washed pizza down with cyanide.

There Will Be Blood

Day Lewis drinks it up.

They Live

Wear sun glasses, see aliens.

Titanic

Four hours of girl movie.

Unbreakable

The last good Shyamalan movie.

Underworld

Vampire plus werewolf equals BAMF.

Valkyrie

Bomb blows up, misses Hitler.

V for Vendetta

Alan Moore hated this movie.

Watchmen

Is that blue guy naked?

Got another movie with exactly 5 things to tell us about it? Think you can do better for an existing commentary (because you probably can)? Just drop us a line at the forums and I'll slap your name onto the contributors tab on the upper right. It'll be fun.