Last Time in Dungeons and Dragons

One of the projects I have running at HQ, section 17 (Research and Development) is attempting to clone the DNA of dragons that section 5 (Tank Care and Storage) pick out of Tank's teeth. He is so picky sometimes and dragon is one of the only things he likes. That said, the world supply of dragons is running dangerously low so when me and the boys feel like killing them for sport, we have to resort to lesser means out of sheer compassion. My burning desire to hang around more dragons really got me into Dungeons and Dragons, and I will continue to play until SECTION 17 STOPS PISSING AROUND AND GETS SOMETHING DONE FOR ONCE!!! You hear that section 17? Do you think I pay you to sit on your thumbs? I play DnD, you play RnD. Get it? Got it? Good.
      Where was I? Oh yes, last time In Dungeons and Dragons.

I tried World of Warcraft for a while, and it was really fun. Then about a week went by. Everyone takes it too seriously, it's hugely imbalanced, playing feels like work, and worst of all, the mage couldn't tank nearly as well as I hoping. Even when I took all 3 points in Arcane Fortitude, I was still barely able to break 2000 def while I couldn't help but feel that death knights and warriors were still just better tanks. This difference in defence clearly shows how Blizzard favors the plate wearing classes. But when I heard about the DnD 4th Edition rules re-defining a sorcerer. I was thrilled.
      Imagine a ranger. His damage is rather classy. Swift, precise sword blows; and honed, accurate arrows. His enemies gracefully fall to his expertice. The wizard is the same with magic. His years of training, and practicing allow him to channel magic through his mind and damage his foes. The Barbarian on the other hand grabs a rock and smashes your face. His equivalent in the magic realm is the sorcerer. Meet my character: Magic Johnson. Magic is a Dragonborn (see right) who uses dragon magic by channeling it straight through his body. Strength is the stat for damage, because the more raging magic your body can take as a dragon sorcerer, the more the other guy is gonna feel it. When he's bloody, he gets even tougher. His magic hits harder, and his scales toughen up giving him the highest armor class in the party. On top of that, he even has a spell that pumps his armor even higher for a couple seconds, just in case he really doesn't feel like taking any guff. Attack him when he's casting? He reflex stabs you with his knife. Attack him too soon after he casts a fire spell? You get burned. Ahh, the perfect mage tank. He's everything I had hoped he could be.
      Now of course, DnD is a game, which means I'm pulling the strings behind him, and someone even bigger is making all of the calls: Chance. And that is why I invested in the largest 20 sided die I have ever laid eyes on. Based on the principle that bigger dice = better rolls, I shelled out 8 dollars for this baby here (see left) and have yet to spend a single second regretting it. Of course, IF SECTION 17 WASN'T SUCH A HUGH DISGRACE TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AT THE LTS HEADQUARTERS, then maybe I could have had them make me one. It tastes exactly like Scarlett Johansson's inner thigh, so you don't have to ask. I have nicknamed the die "Bahamut" after my left testicle which is the larger of the two making both the testicle and the die the same size, color, and shape; respectively. Without giving too much away, I was correct (as usual) in thinking that the larger die would roll higher. I rolled 7 20s in one night, and the DM made me start throwing it without looking. With Magic Johnson on my player sheet and Bahamut in my hand (Bahamut the large green 20 sided die, not the other Bahamut) I was ready to crack some heads.
      The rest, I believe, is for another day. I spent like an hour writing this much, and if I say "testicles" too many more times in one article then my ads are going to drop me. Then what am I going to do? Are you going to give me money? Aww, screw it, if I don't make the bills I'll just CUT SECTION 17'S FUNDING LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DONE LAST MONTH WHEN THEY MADE THAT BROKEN-AS-HELL TELEPORTER THAT CAUGHT FIRE AND BURNED DOWN HALF OF THE BABY GRAND PIANO COLLECTION IN THE SECTION 29 BREAK ROOM. YOU HEAR ME YOU WORTHLESS PRICKS?! YOU'LL BE LOOKING FOR WORK WITH SOME OTHER MASSIVE-SUPER-SECRET-SUB-MILITARY BASE LOCATED IN THE DESERTS OF WEST TEXAS!!! I'm sorry you had to hear that. See you next update. =)